WTF is wrong with Ubisoft Support?

If you haven't yet had the full Ubisoft "support" experience, I'm going to run through it for you here and try to prepare you for the absolute shit show that it is for the majority of people. For some background, I have discussed this with an admittedly small sample of players, and they are all on Xbox, so I accept that my sample size is small and skewed. However, please feel free to comment and send me screenshots of your tickets if you have anything that you think is worth adding.

Firstly, none of their support department will even entertain a ticket without a video or screenshot, so please make sure you have this ready. You can try including it with your original support ticket, but don't expect them to actually read it or look at it, and you will be asked for it again later. My advice is, include a link to the video in every response you make, heaven forbid they should scroll back and see if there's anything in the ticket already.

Secondly, even if the issue you're requesting support for has been mentioned on an in-game menu, or on an official bug tracking platform like Trello, or tweeted about by the official Ubisoft support twitter account, or posted anywhere officially, don't expect support to know about that. Also, if you helpfully link it for them, don't expect them to read it or pay any attention to it. My advice is, include a link or screenshot to this official information with every response.

Thirdly, even if the issue seems fairly clear cut to you, all your friends are having the issue, the official twitter account is tweeting about it, it's all over reddit, it's on the Trello board as a known issue, you've had friends test it, you've tested it yourself on another Xbox or with another account, even with this overwhelming evidence that it's not your game or platform, you're going to be asked to reset your Xbox, check your network, delete and reinstall your game. My advice, just tell them you've done this with every response. (or do it, even though it won't solve your issue).

Fourthly, stay as polite as you can despite the rising frustration with what appear to be either ai, or dumb responses and requests, keep plugging away.. keep screenshots of what you've said because, eventually, they'll just "close your ticket as a duplicate", preventing you from reading any of the history of the ticket, and making it disappear in to the ether.

Finally, ignore the "status" of the ticket, here's what the status really means:

"New".. New in green means, they haven't done anything with it yet, and after about a month of nothing, you'll get a generic response saying, "We're going to close this ticket if you don't respond in two days (even though it's taken us a month to get round to this) and please respond if you're still having the issue".

"Escalated"... Escalated in orange means in a few days they're going to ask you for the video again, or put some mandatory request on it that means they can't progress your ticket until you jump through that hoop. For example, can you reset your xbox, router, and get a new internet connection, until you do that we can't progress your ticket.

"Updated".... Updated in blue means, we've just asked you another question that we've already asked before.

Below is an example support request. Please note, as you read it, the representatives direct contradiction of each other, like some thing out of a Monty Python sketch.

Enjoy!

Nev.